Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Connecticut in Four

We peddle jerkily up paved backwoods roads that run alongside a bay studded with toothpick sails. The webbing between my thumbs hurts from squeezing my brakes hard as the up turns to down and the bike’s clunky frame gains momentum.

The guy leaves his kids with us at the picnic table. Well, not with us, but near us. Still, we are required to watch them, as no one else bothers to pay attention, preoccupied with picking soft meat from the inflamed exoskeletons of lobsters. Mine has already been removed and placed in a neat pile on a seeded bun. Between quick bites, I scold the brother for shoving his sister with the black curls. The though of her falling, grasping at the dock’s frayed rope divide, makes me sputter instead of her.

Claude the Innkeeper reminds us not to forget out bathing suits. He emphasizes that the hot tub is new, therapeutic. His eyes never settled in one place, his mouth twisted thin as he tells of bad reviews on Yelp. Spelled Y-E-L-P. Could we please write something nice? And do use the hot tub. There are at least six different types of spigots.

Mary is from Georgia, where there is always something happening. She rinses a mug in a kitchen enshrined with sea captain figurines and mounted harpoons. It is raining and we can’t leave yet. The train isn’t till four. She walks toward our room, cleaner in tow. I hear plastic rustle and am aware of our garbage being emptied. I wish I could replace her bucket with a slotted basket and set her in an orchard just as the sky starts to clear.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Queen Vick Mix

I went on vacation to NY State and Canada. The trip was nine hours long. In order to keep from having to revert to mind-numbing car games like "License Plate Alphabet" or "Highway I-Spy," I made a playlist. The method by which I complied the playlist was extremely scientific and based on a set of predetermined criteria:

1. Songs about being on the road
2. Songs about Canada/by Canadian artists
3. Songs about getting away from home
4. Songs about returning home
5. Songs that can be danced to using the upper half of your body only, without being strangled by a seatbelt
6. Songs that are introspective for long spurts of barren landscapes
7. Songs that are joyful and could signal the approach of a destination

Here are a few highlights:

- Keep the Car Running by Arcade Fire
- Good Times (Sick Pimpin') by Atmosphere
- When She Comes Home by Deer Tick
- A New Part Of Town by Matt Pond
- Hop a Plane by Tegan and Sara
- Miles Away by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs
- This Time Tomorrow by the Kinks
- You Turn Me On I'm A Radio by Joni Mitchell
- Sleepytime in the Western World by Blitzen Trapper
- Walkin' Up The Road by Betty Davis
- I Gotta Move by Ben Kweller
- More Adventurous by Rilo Kiley
- Passenger's Seat by Death Cab For Cutie

I am still trying to sort out my thoughts on the whole Canadian experience.
(Are there really moose here and if so, where are they hiding them? Why can't I wear my sunglasses while crossing the border? How is their maple syrup different from Aunt Jemima?) However, my memories of the trip will never be relived as a silent pan. Instead, they will flash in time with a killer soundtrack.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Go Phish

Recently, I was the target of a Phishing scam via Craig's List. I had applied to a general posting for a Personal Assistant. One day later, I received a reply. Despite the email's broken English, the Scammer managed to flesh out a fantastic-sounding character in my mind - so much so, that for half a second, I actually believed it.

The email was from an elderly gentleman named Gregory. Gregory was 65 years old. He had been in the shipping industry for over three decades. He got his start unloading cargo on the piers of New York City, eventually rising to the level of Vice President at a successful import/export company.

Gregory was looking for a new assistant. His former assistant had unexpectedly returned to his homeland. According to Gregory, he was a very efficient employee, a fellow that had started as a subordinate and later morphed into his right-hand man. While Gregory would miss his assistant, he was a busy man with many obligations. His schedule needed managing and, flatteringly enough, he believed that I was the right person for the job. My first task was a test to ensure my reliability. I needed to cash a check at a bank and then use the money to buy toys for children at a local orphanage. One of Gregory's primary joys in life was giving. He loved to see these poor children smile when they received his presents. He went on to claim that if I had any questions, I was to direct them to his email. Phone contact with him was impossible because he was partially deaf. Also, he was traveling abroad at the moment. Nevertheless, such complications were not to deter me from my duties. The kids needed me, afterall.

Gregory knew me well. I WAS feeling discouraged by all of the job's complex urgency. As if to reassure me further, he ended the note with a dose of further encouragement:

"I have inkling you will be great. If you give me your best efforts, I will promise to be a good boss and treat you with respect. Good compensation will be coming your way for sure. We will grow to be friends!"

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Kid, You Are Going Places

I got my passport in the mail today! The process was bizarre - go to AAA to take stone-faced photo, write an expensive check, hand over my birth certificate to a post office clerk, wait, wait, wait, wait some more. Ta-da! Little navy book that lets you go places. The visa pages of my passport are intense and wrought with raw USA pride. Each has a quote from an American monument or influential person - Lynden B. Johnson, Abraham Lincoln, Flavor Flave. No, actually, I am kidding. Abraham Lincoln is not one of the individuals cited. That would be a bit of a stretch.

Additionally, the pages have muted illustrations of our great nation. I recognized a couple - Mount Rushmore, the Statue of Liberty. However, there are some vague references that I am less familiar with. One page has cowboys herding steers through a craggy meadow. Another has a photo of a space shuttle orbiting the moon. Yet another has a picture of a bear eating a juicy-looking salmon. I can't help but think that these images might fall into two categories upon being viewed by foreign security personnel: dishonest and confusing. When you open up a US passport, you are getting a glimpse of America from a far-away land. If you've never been here and were using a passport as a point of reference, you might expect our rivers to be chock full o' obese bears and our valleys overrun by men in stirrup pants. Also, you might believe we own the moon...

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Name That Tune

For music purists, sampling is weird. Usually it is experienced while mingling at a party or busting a move on the dance floor. A song fades out and is replaced by a fresh beat, one that is strikingly familiar yet purposefully distorted. No one else seems perturbed. Even if they were, they probably wouldn’t show it. The practice is as common now as it was fifty years ago, the sound already lying dormant in our ears.

By definition, sampling is when an artist takes a portion of a previously recorded song and reuses it within the context of a new track. The sample can be purely instrumental (like a guitar solo) or actual lyrics. Musicians such as Girl Talk have built their entire careers on the foundation of recycled tunes, transforming the act of sampling into a post-modern, ‘nothing is original, nothing is individually owned’ philosophy. Frequently, this mindset has lead to bouts over copywriting infringements. While the legal implications of sampling remain debatable, one thing is for sure: no song is immune. The fact was recently reaffirmed to me at a friend’s open house. While chatting with other guests, I heard strands of Bob Dylan’s “Subterranean Homesick Blues” issuing from a nearby speaker. The line, “Johnny’s in the basement mixing up the medicine” was on repeat, laid over a rap solo.

Later when I got home, I Googled and found out that the artist was Juelz Santana. The title of his mix was appropriately named, “Mixing Up The Medicine.” I loved the original Bob Dylan song and therefore felt a bit bothered by Juelz Santana’s take. However, my righteous indignation dried upon discovering another resource – Whosampled.com. Who Sampled seeks to “explore and discussing the DNA of music.” The site allows you to search a directory of over 80,000 sampled songs and 31,000 artists who have utilized sampling or covers during the duration of their careers. Even better, there is an audio feature that allows users to compare sampled songs with their originals.

I typed ‘Bob Dylan’ into the search engine. Dylan himself is cited as only using two song samples (“Seven Minutes of Funk” by Tyron Thomas and The Whole Darn Family and “Change The Beat” by Fab Five Freddy featuring Beeside). Nevertheless, his ‘Covers’ tab is significant, listing a variety of blues and folk references (my favorite being “House of the Rising Sun”).

Whosampled.com is music under a microscope with content that illustrates connecting points and heralds founding beat-makers. I’d highly recommend taking a look, if only to jog your memory. As for me, in the future I plan on being more forgiving. Afterall, imitation is the highest form of flattery.


Sunday, April 3, 2011

MM Removed From Fall AMC Lineup? What the What?


I know this is old news (and the second time I've written about the topic) but the wound is still fresh...


“Mad Men” fans have been loosening their neckties, readjusting their cone-shaped Maiden Form braziers, patiently waiting for the return of Donald Draper and his Sterling Cooper crew. Season four wrapped up on October 16. Almost immediately following Mad Men’s finale, AMC premiered a new, surprisingly lively series – “The Walking Dead.”

“The Walking Dead” is a post-apocalyptic gore fest that follows a small group of citizens bent on evading a Zombie infestation. The survivors are led by Rick Grimes, a former small-town Georgian Sheriff. Shotgun in hand, Grimes splatters Undead brains with purpose, propelled forward by the idea of an obscure, corpse-free land that exists just over the ravaged horizon. “The Walking Dead” did more than keep eyes on AMC – it broke records. The show took on multiple rating titles, the most impressive being “Most-Watch Drama in Basic Cable” for the 18-49 year old age bracket. (The Futon Critic) No doubt the Executives at AMC were thrilled by the show’s success. With the addition of “The Walking Dead,” the network inadvertently secured the missing piece necessary to form an unstoppable entertainment triune - the other two components being “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad,” another popular drama centered on a High School science teacher-turned-drug dealer. But, as many know, three is often a crowd. Television series are no exception. AMC now faces a hard decision – how to fit each into their overcrowded lineup. According to Hitfix.com, “ AMC (will not air) ‘Breaking Bad’ season 4 until summer, and will likely try to launch ‘The Walking Dead’ season 2 around Halloween again. (‘Mad Men’) may not have a Sunday window in which to air a fifth season until perhaps early 2012.”

2021?! A whole year is far too long to wait. Hopefully AMC will come to a better solution by Fall. If not, in order to maintain “The Walking Dead,” “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad” ’s audiences, I proposed a splicing. My series would be titled “The Bad, Mad Dead.” Examples of episode summaries would be as follows:


Episode 13: “While developing a campaign for Lucky Strike, Don discovers that the company’s manufacturers have secretly been lacing their tobacco with Meth, thereby making their product more addictive. Don is unsure of whether to report his findings. Later, he arrives home to find Betty furiously scratching herself with a spatula from the kitchen. When he questions her behavior, she throws a meatloaf against the wall and shrieks, ‘I am out of cigarettes and the grocery store is closed, okay?’ ”


Episode 20: “Peggy is finally ready to date again. She is excited when David, a pale, slobbering man from Accounting, asks her to dinner. The evening progresses well until David takes a bite out of Peggy’s shoulder. Humiliated, Peggy flees from the restaurant. The next morning she wakes to find a cardigan soaked in blood and is disturbed by her sudden appetite for human flesh.”

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Snotty Sleeve

Jeeze. It has been awhile since I've posted anything. Must be all of this snow. My blogger itch is buried beneath 6 inches of gravel-studded slush. Today I had some time to shovel. Thus, here is the latest thought:

"Blue Valentine." Saw it at the Angelika a week ago and fell in love with the dull ache it left inside my rib cage. The story is familiar territory - a plot that revolves around the dissolution of a relationship. However, the way "Blue Valentine" showcases love's gradual fade-out is not trite. There is a constant juxtaposition between then and now - leaving even the sweetest of moments tinged with an unbelievable sadness because we, unlike the characters, know what lies ahead. Often times I get irritated by movies that aim to depress but don't give adequate authenticity to the emotion. Plenty of cinema aims at make audiences weepy. The goal is not satisfied if there is not a source of identification. Without identification, the movie gravitates quickly into being labeled as 'bad.' The problem isn't that melancholy movies are poor. More like viewers don't appreciate cheap shots aimed at provoking their tear ducts. Nobody enjoys a let down without a reason. What I want from a sad movie is realness - a mood that stirs up what I already know well, a discomfort that makes me remember something I had wished to forget.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Ooo, Child

Tonight my parents had a couple over for dinner who have two young children. The kids were cute in a blonde, bumbling way but never once during the duration of their stay did I wish that my siblings were still babies. (My mother did though. I could see it in her eyes. Whenever she got too wistful, I'd pick up a milk carton, tap the side and mouth the word 'no,' helpfully reminding her of the legal implications of kidnapping.) I am so glad that my brother and sisters are at a civilized point in their maturation. The first fifteen years of my life were punctuated by grape juice mustaches, missing socks, fights over hair brushes, fights over the last piece of bologna, carpet wrestling matches, whining in the backseat because someones ankle had brushed against another passenger's pant leg, opening my journal, finding that someone had crayoned over half the pages, the most upsetting graffiti being a buck-toothed butterfly scrawled over an entry that meticulously recorded an interaction with Darrell (a fellow Spanish Club member who may/may not have liked you because he grazed your gloppy, paper mache encrusted hand while constructing pinatas for Cinco de Mayo), darting, giggling shadows on the other side of closed bedroom doors, screams of frustration over privacy because NO ONE LEAVES ME ALONE! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUTTT!

No experience is ever completely bad. Though I was frequently embarrassed by them more often than not, I loved my hyperactive family. I love the calm adults they have become too. Sometimes I forget how awesome their age is and for that reason, I am glad for dinner party reminders. As I write this, I am eating a cupcake squirreled away from the dessert plate downstairs. I hear Olivia, my youngest sister, attempting to play with the toddlers. They have discovered our old dress-up trunk. One wears a leather vest and carries a plastic rifle. She points the gun at Liv. "I am the Sheriff and I am going to drag you to jail." Liv, being the pragmatic one, replies, "Wouldn't it be easier if I came willingly?" After thinking a moment, Sheriff retorts, "Okay, fine. Lets walk to jail." Then, as if to reinstate her hardened, Clint Eastwood authority, concludes: "But in one year, I will take you from jail and shoot you until you are dead."

Ah, memories.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Wii Need To Get Physical

The newest gadget in my house is a Wii Fit board. The Wii Fit’s concept is grand. The invention turns one of the most sedentary activities out there (video games) into a task that requires you to move – no doubt a cause-based marketing tactic directed at the fight against obesity. I had a *similar idea years ago but Nintendo seems to have refined their concept more than I did.

(*My invention being a retractable tether ball pole that could be secured to your living room ceiling. The ball was a sensor that swung back in your direction with increasing weight/intensity depending upon the force at which it was punched. Another spinoff: child-sized skis secured to a conveyer belt. Belt became increasingly steeper as child advanced in levels. The statement ‘You Broke Your Pelvis – Let’s Try Again!’ flashed across the screen when a player wiped out in a ravine or mogul.)

The Wii Fit comes with a variety of exercise programs. I have tried Yoga. As you perch on the board, (which suspiciously resembles a scale) a female instructor calmly demonstrates poses. While you struggle to contort your ridged body to resemble her perfect, digitally-generated curves, a urine-colored cloud appears near targeted areas. If your pose is in line with the instructor’s movement, a red dot materializes. If your pose is (inevitably) off, the instructor says antagonizing (errr), I mean, encouraging remarks like, “I notice you are not stable – find your center of balance” or “Remember to relax – breath in through your nose, out through your mouth.” While I am grateful for the constructive criticism, I don’t appreciate the haughty tone that creeps into the Instructor’s voice as I attempt the Half Moon Bend for the fifth time. My mind begins to wander. What does she really know? She lives inside a consol manufactured in Japan. She’ll never feel the pains of the freshman fifteen or post-baby stomach flab. Her figure will stay flawless, immune to the wear of aging. Is she a sympathetic motivator or just one of those mean, non-perspiring girls at the gym that glances condescendingly at your treadmill timer while you puff away? I don’t want to salute the sun! You salute the sun, Bitch! I lurch off the board, pick my runaway stretch pants out of my butt crack, grab the Wii and turn it off with a satisfying click. Then I go into the kitchen and calm myself down with a cookie.

How Corrupt Are You??

Ever wonder how rotten you really are? Take the "Casino Jack - How Corrupt Are You?" quiz and find out! I created the questions as well as the result descriptions. . .

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Bed Intruder


My sister Toni dreamed Santa was beside her bed on Christmas Eve, watching her sleep. I asked her to sketch a picture of what he looked like. In Toni's photo, Santa is beardless - a strong-jawed gentleman with twinkling eyes. I find her doodle to be inconsistent, despite her earnestness. Santa resembles another very real fantasy dude - Edward Cullen/Robert Pattinson. I gave Liv, my other sister, "Eclipse" on DVD that morning. My theory is as follows: Toni's subconscious is being overcrowded with pop culture triggers. Her Santa looks like a morose vampire because of Twilight mania. Her claim that he invaded her room stems from the viral video "Bed Intruder." Sooner or later "Up On The Housetop" will morph into "He be climbing into your chimney/Snatching your cookies up/Hide your Kids/Hide your Wife..."





Sunday, December 19, 2010

Pull On My Beard

I have a few distinct memories of jolly St. Nick. I remember visiting him once or twice at the mall. One visit in particular is seared into my brain because of the carnage my brother left behind. In an attempt to touch the fake snowbanks in the Christmas Village, he managed to knock over the picket fence border, toppling all nearby decorations in a slapstick domino pile-up. I still recall the shrieks of other children in line, children horrified by the sight of paralyzed mechanical reindeer, (robotically pivoting their necks back and forth, back and forth, the side of their faces scraping against the ground) felled jumbo candy canes and crushed ornaments. Amidst the chaos, Kyle sat in the cotton batting, feeling the material with his fingertips and then loudly declaring, "This isn't real."

I had similar doubts about the legitimacy of Santa Clause. When I finally got to the front of the line and was placed upon his lap, I was more suspicious than impressed. Like those damn snowbanks, he was all fake flash - a beard made of perfect ringlets, a plastic belt buckle, matted fur cuffs. This isn't real.

While Mall Santa embodied all of the tacky wonders of middle America consumerism, Land of Make Believe Santa was a far stranger character. Land of Make Believe Santa lived in the Christmas Barn, one of the many attractions my hometown's kiddie amusement park had to offer. The barn was open year round, enabling children to have a chat with the Big Man in the heat of July. Visitors were escorted through a doorway that resembled a chimney. Upon climbing up a spiral staircase, one entered a gigantic attic filled with light-up displays. At the end of the path sat Santa, waiting patiently, creepily, for an inevitable interaction. While at the Christmas Barn, I refused to even sit on Santa's lap, choosing instead to stand a good five feet away and nod my head vigorously in response to his rhetorical questions. The decision was wise beyond my years. Santa smelled like moth balls and probably was played by Carnies on rotating shifts.

In my mind, if there was a Santa, he was Chris Van Allsburg's version. I had a copy of The Polar Express that came with a read-along cassette. I would take the book and my Casio recorder into my closet, shut the door and listen. The narrator's voice was deep and soothing. The story was also great. In The Polar Express, the main character is doubtful. However, Santa is a smart man, one who weaves the power of belief into the details of ordinary life. A train could take you to New York or the North Pole, a bell was a porch chime or part of a reindeer's harness. Magic was there but you had a choice - you could only see what you wanted to see.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Fighting Words Part II

In my last post, I described a fabulous Avoidance technique that recently has been used a great deal in order to avoid arguments with my Mom. I wish to follow up that remark with yet another procedure to add to one's arson of discourse skills. Sometimes the Avoidance tactic ("I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT ANYMOORREEE!") doesn't do the trick. Frequently this is because the phrase is not utilized early enough in the conversation to quell the heat. In these situations, it is good to have an argument back-up plan to cut the subsequent awkwardness of future interactions that occur pre -make up (i.e. encounters at the dinner table, encounters in the living room, encounters in the hallway. . . if you are unfortunate enough to live with the person.) I will call technique two the Smack Talk Tension Reliever.

Steps:

1. Approach wronged/irritated individual
2. Start to say, "You make me so mad. . ."
3. Followed by a detailed description of an aggressive yet outlandish act
4. Encourage wronged/irritated individual to reciprocate
5. Hug each other

Examples of Potential Aggressive Yet Outlandish Acts:

"You make me so mad I am going to get you in the scissor hold and flick your earlobes until you whimper for mercy."

"You make me so mad I am going to punch your kneecaps with my thumb knuckles until they are red and chapped."

"You make me so mad I am going to pin you down, cram my big toe into your navel and dangle my bangs in your mouth."

The reason the Smack Talk Tension Reliever works is two-fold. First, it allows both parties to express hostility without physical contact. Secondly, it infuses humor into an otherwise humorless situation. Cracking a smile is the beginning step on the road to reconciliation.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Fighting Words


I have a good relationship with my Mom. Still, we do occasionally fight. Back in high school, I used to duke it out full force, passionately defending my point until the spat reached a shrill peak and both parties stormed off to their respective corners to simmer. Since moving home post-college, my arguing style has morphed into a more passive technique adopted from a friend of mine. If a conversation is going nowhere, instead of waiting until I am forced to completely commit to a debate, I say the phrase, "I don't want to talk about it anymore." Usually, the remark is initially ignored. Mom keeps voicing her complaint. Thus, I am forced to say it again, this time much louder: "I don't want to talk about IT ANYMORE!" The second statement generally elicits a pause - an improvement, but still not enough to end the conversation. Third time is a charm. By that point, I am yelling, "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT ANYYYMMMORRREEEE!!" - a shriek that is followed by silence.

I don't mean to suggest that avoiding talking about problems is an efficient way of solving them. I guess I am just at the point where I am grounded in my own personal perspective on things. I don't envision Mom changing her ideas on life and therefore don't expect mine to change much from sparring against hers. I am at my most unmovable when red-faced and irate. Mom does influence me though, more so in her day to day. When I come home from work and my coffee maker is magically clean, I want to be more organized. When I see her hot gluing Civics dioramas late into the evening, I want to be more involved. When I see her extend kind words to cashiers, waitresses, gas attendants and the like, I want to be more selfless. Most importantly, when I witness any of these actions I feel lucky to have her. . . even if she does drive me crazy from time to time.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Smash His Camera



I watched "Smash His Camera" on Netflix the other night. The documentary explores the life and legacy of Ron Galella, one of the founding fathers of paparazzi-style photo journalism. Some critics claim that Galella's work is parasitic - in that it fed off the fame of subjects, in that he latched onto these stars with an irritating ferociousness similar to a flea with a Cannon. I felt this uncomfortable tension while at an exhibit of his at the Met last Spring. I was wary, even with the white walls, descriptive cards and glass. He got punched in the face by Marlon Brando. He was sued by Jackie O. He likes bunnies a lot. He is a New Jersey native. Love him or hate him, Galella's sparked more than one conversation. I guess that is enough of a reason to recommend "Smash His Camera." As the credits rolled, I felt entertained and mildly itchy.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Our 5 Best Tree Ornaments

1. Kyle's Dyslexic Stocking - a red construction paper beaut with Kyle's initials spelled out in glitter: K.Z.
No, not K.S.
K.Z.

2. My Wreath O' Beans from Girl Scouts - a medley of dried beans affixed to a cardboard circle covered in hot glue. Nothing says "Merry Christmas" quite like fiber.

3. Oma's Decapitated Snowmen Yarn Heads - cheerful, googly-eyed snowmen with felt stocking caps that appear to be oblivious to the rest of their missing limbs.

4. My *Vintage (*Old) Wise Man - a plastic, hollow, teardrop shaped ball that contains one Wise Man figure, a Pine tree and a Camel. I never bothered to question why there was a Pine tree in the middle of the desert or where his other two equally Wise companions were. The decoration took on a higher value when I saved it from the clammy hands of a strange Townie while at my local antique store.

5. The Glass Pickle - a pickle made of glass. According to German tradition, (which, I assume, uses a real pickle as opposed to a glass one) a pickle is hidden in the Christmas Tree. On Christmas morning, whoever spots the pickle first gets an extra present. I have yet to see either of my Parents follow through with this promise. Every time the pickle is found, we are lucky if we receive a pat on the back, let alone an additional gift. Maybe it's because the urgency is nonexistent. If the pickle was real, it would be problematic if it wasn't found. The smell of rotting dill would permeate the entire room, killing the mood. When someone found the pickle, it would be relief worthy of a reward. One less year without the risk of later finding a shriveled, blackened vegetable, one that could easily be mistaken for a frost-bitten thumb, nestled between the branches.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Home Alone Revisited




"Home Alone" reminds me of Thanksgiving. Back in the 90's, NBC used to broadcast the flick on Thanksgiving night. My family would return from Grandma's house, bloated with food. My younger siblings were promptly put to bed. I, on the other hand, was allowed to stay up well past my usual bedtime to watch "Home Alone" with my parents. Sandwiched between them on the couch, I felt a nuanced sense of happiness. For one, those two hours marked a time in which I experienced what only children receive every day of the year: undivided attention. Nobody elbowed me underneath the blanket, wandered in front of the TV or tried to steal my seat when I got up to pee. Similar Macaulay Culkin, by some miracle I had on this night made (most of ) my family disappear. The film also sparked excitement for the sheer fact that it signaled the transition from Thanksgiving to Christmas - a time marked by a continuous stream of presents, blinking lights, dresses with doily collars and further eating. "Home Alone" was either the instigator of pre-Christmas joy or the background noise that accompanied it. Irregardless, years later I began to question the awesome-ness of the film. Like many things related to kid-dom, quality is often on par with perception. So, I did what was best: I watched it again. Gotta say, I was still enormously entertained. The slap-stick humor didn't hold up as much in terms of instigating massive bouts of laughter (a guy getting conked in the head multiple times is gold when you are under the age of 1o) but everything else kept my interest. Beyond remaining engaged, there was an outcropping of new questions and details that I had not noticed previously such as:

1. When Kevin first meets the Snow Shovel Man, his hand is wrapped in a piece of bloody cloth. The second time SSM meets/scares Kevin is at a Drug Store. We see SSM bloody cloth hand yet again when he grips the counter. The third time Kevin encounters SSM is at church. SSM's appearance is more docile and his hand now sports a Band Aid, probably one from the box he picked up while at the Drug Store. The continuity between all three scenes is funny.


2. The main reason given for Kevin's isolation is broken power lines. YET Kevin's parents are still able to call neighbors and leave messages. Also, Kevin later uses the phone to report that his house is being robbed. Fishy.


3. Kevin's older brother is the older brother from "The Adventures of Pete and Pete"


4. What happens to the mess Kevin makes after booby-trapping his house? Does he clean up before everyone gets home? What about the really messy stuff, like the tar on the steps or fire-scorched toilet? When his family arrives, Kevin looks well rested and his cuticles are pristine. Fishy x2.


5. John Hughes is listed in the credits as the author of the original story concept. John Hughes wrote "Uncle Buck" which starred Macaulay Culkin and John Candy. Their appearance in "Home Alone" is probably related to the Hughes connection.


6. Humphrey Bogart, the grittiest of celestial celebrities, is in "Angels with Dirty Faces."

...On that note, keep the change ya filthy animal.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thankskilling


In honor of Thanksgiving, I would like to present "Thankskilling" - a movie about a homocidal turkey. The film disturbed me to my very core and made me grateful that I have yet (to my knowledge) angered a vengeful bird. As "Thankskilling" illustrates, they don't forget easy.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Bear-Proof Jacket

Winter weather is upon us. When the temperature goes down, I want something that is going to defend me from both the bite of frost and the bite of bears. Hence, this jacket is top on my list of 'need to own' wardrobe additions.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Grab Baggage

Today on the front page of my local newspaper, there was a picture of a woman's butt cheeks being heaved around by a TSA employee, followed by the headline "U.S. Firm on Airport Security." Many have complained about these new pat-down standards. TSA has been advertising the mandates as a necessary evil - groping that is thwarting terrorism, one boob caress and groin tap at a time. While this may (or probably may not) be true, the way the media has portrayed the story is hilarious. Most of the time, articles come from the perspective of human rights violations. However, their hard-hitting quality immediately dissolves upon looking at coinciding sidebars - slapstick-y photos that reek of embarrassment and latex gloves. Inspired by such images, I decided to take cues from print news and fashion some headlines of my own. Enjoy.


TSA CRACKS DOWN ON HOLIDAY TRAVELERS
One passenger complains, "I just want to go home. My wife is making beef stroganoff for dinner."

AIRPORTS REMAIN ABREAST ON NEW SECURITY MEASURES

"All female chests are being classified as a double threat," says Janet Napolitano, chief of Homeland Security


PASSENGERS GET SHORT END OF THE STICK

"Before each flight, I like to put my wand in the toaster over so it isn't too cold," states Edna Williams, Newark TSA employee