1. Light Up Skank-ess: As "Mean Girls" so eloquently states, "Halloween is the one night of the year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girl can say anything about it." There have been many variations on the sexy theme, some less obvious than others (Provocative Lady Bug?) The worst is yet to come. A new element has been added to these skimpy get-ups: lights. If a girl wasn't calling enough attention to herself as a Sensual Raggedy Ann Doll, let's puncture her tight, striped shirtfront full o' holes and light her up like a Christmas tree! The photo below is especially bothersome because of the anatomically correct skeleton blazoned across the torso. I know few guys who, after being approached by a woman with a blinking pelvis, would think, "Isn't she something special..."
2. Dictators: Politics and Halloween are often intermingled. A Dick Cheney rubber mask paired with a rifle is enough to get even the staunchest of Republicans and their Democrat counterparts to share a hearty chuckle. Dictators though? Maybe Che, for iconic reasons. Perhaps Castro, for nostalgia sake. Kim Jong? Ehhh. With the current strained ties America has with North Korea, is it smart to be impersonating the dude? What if a picture of a drunk frat bro doing a keg stand, dressed as Kim, gets leaked onto the Internet? The backlash is enough to cause another nuclear arms threat. Identity aside, the costume itself is racially muddy. The jumpsuit comes with a pair of thick glasses that have slanted eye holes. Is such an accessory necessary? Awkward...
3. Jersey Shore: The Jersey Shore phenomena literally hits close to home for me. I can't get over the notion that a terrible version of my state is presently being peddled in the aisles of Party City. Hilariously enough, we natives are not standing idle. Why pay 20 bucks for a Snookie hair piece when we've already got a vanity drawer full of Bump Its? Such facts were reiterated by an article published on Tuesday in The Star Ledger: "It's what they're wearing anyway. Half of our customers come in looking like them. It's funny because we're saying, 'It would be hot here, too, if they weren't already dressed like that.' "
All the other states will be suckered into paying to dress like the kids from the Shore. Us? As far as MTV is concerned, we might as well be ourselves for Halloween.
4. Baby Wigs: There is no need for an in-depth explanation. The concept is exactly as it sounds. A wig...for a baby. I don't understand the twisted reasoning that makes Baby Wig wearing morally okay. For all those yuppie parents out there who get their digital camera snapping jollies from putting a toddler in a toupee, buck up your ideas. Buck them up quick. Your two year old might not be able to talk yet, but he still reserves the right to maintain his dignity.
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